Non-Friend

Friends they come and go
But you came and stayed
Friendship and commitment can be tested
But we’ve been tested time and again…we’ve come 13years strong
The year 2000, for me, was the greatest test but still you stood close by
We choose our friends
…I’m not sure I had a choice to make about you and me
Friends wipe your tears in sad times
But you seem to be the cause of all my sad moments
Friends can only be real with you
But you have no courage to show yourself or scold me when doing wrong
Friends reassure you during moments of uncertainty
But you continue to cloud my mind and cause me to doubt myself
Have I become your slave?
Have you found a vessel in me?
…a vessel to demonstrate your direness.
I remember instants with my friends and family
When you were not around…we laughed to tears and cried to laughter!
Just because the moment was never about you…
…but then you come and get involved and then everything revolves around you
Those memories that I had of those happy moments…you drag them with you
For me a haze and vagueness thrive in my mind
I am not sure why I am afraid to look my friends in the eye any longer
But something tells me…it was not pretty…cos I can feel it in my head and in the last bone in my body
I feel like I am in chains bound to you to my demise
…could it be or is this a mind game?
Tomorrow, despite the outcomes of yesterday
You entice me in your way of saying, “I’ll always be there and provide you an outlet to let go and be easy,”
I decline everything constructive and engage in everything destructive
In my firm grip you sit and I can feel that evil and ungood beginning to rise in me
The body’s urge to just shake and release
To remain in that state…trance mode; spellbound; detached from reality
With you, I can bring down everything that was meant for good…
With you, I can draw that road to my death…everything is possible with you
At least that’s what you come announcing!
I wonder why I never see you around when I have a plus or a positive thing happening in my life.
I wish not to exist within all that exists around me
I want to cleanse my body and purge all my desires for you
For everything that is you
I yearn to scream out loud and let it all out…my anger
The wish that all this is just a part of my dream…my disappointments
The desire to not be this compulsive drinker…myself
I wonder if this statement can now make sense
How many of you can say it
My name is Elsie and I am an alcoholic
~EW